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15th July 2007

Pain, Pain, Pain!!!
Ready to mend?

Hi Guys,

I'd like to pass unto you a few words from a book I've just read - Broken Children, Grown-up Pain by Dr. Paul Hegstrom (I mentioned him in the email: Re-wiring the brain"). He is also the author of Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. You can read his story here or watch it here.

This is more like the psychological aspect to healing, while the alien abduction topic was the spiritual aspect.

He has done tremendous research on the effects of childhood trauma/rejection that persists almost permanently into adulthood and shapes an individual's relationship with others to the detriment of themselves and the ones close to them.

As I read the book, "introspected" and looked around I noted one thing: the problem is universal. No adult has been left out. We've all had a measure of trauma in our childhood. Some with very devastating experiences and others with seemingly "mild" ones e.g. teasing . Yet the results are the same: A fixation in a particular aspect of childhood with continuance of the behavior into adulthood, but not remembering the original triggering event. Now that really isn't cute.

Anyway, let's get some quotes here and I hope it enlightens you as it did me. 

Single, married, young & old: REWIRE THE BRAIN!

It's a book that must be read!

Chapter titles:
1. Our story
2. My Perceptions: My Way or the Highway.
3. "Why Do I React the Way I Do?"
4. The Way We're Wired.
5. This Was My Childhood
6. The Hurting Child Becomes the Troubled Teen
7. I'm Single, on My Own - Is This All There Is?
8. Why Am I Attracted to the Wrong People
9. Married - and It Still Isn't Right
10. The Wounded at Work
11. God, Where Are You?
12. Healing the Wounded

Stay blessed,

Shifts in the Mask

"The wounded teen reacts outside the home and conforms inside the home. After marriage, the wounded adult will react in the home and conform outside the home. The pressures of conforming both in the home with a new spouse and outside the home are too great for the wounded adult. Within six to seven months of being married, often the worst behavior surfaces in the home, and the shift begins. A person arrested in development will use the duality to manipulate and has total control of which personality he or she uses."


"A wounded person might sabotage anything good that comes into his or her life because that person may think he or she is not worthy of anything good happening. The wounded person thinks, If people knew how defective I really am, they would reject me, and I would lose the good things in my life. Better for me to sabotage my blessings than to receive them and have them taken away by someone else.

"Many teenagers have had the opportunity to develop a balanced relationship with a healthy partner and have chosen to sabotage that relationship. They thought it would be better never to experience the joy of unconditional love than to have it and then lose it. With our attitudes and behavior, we drive that wonderful person out of our lives. We live in self-pity, crying, ' Why me?' 'God knows I tried!' and 'If only things were different!' "

The Fantasy and the Reality

"Our struggle translates into even further problems when we look for that special person to develop a relationship with, as happens during this stage of life. Our minds develop a fantasy person to meet those needs we can't even pinpoint. This sets us up for failure, for many issues that wounded husbands and wives deal with in their marriage are carried over from their wounds of childhood.

"We wounded people should have resolved these issues before we dated anyone, let alone married. We then spend the rest of our lives trying to make our partner resolve our pre-existing conflicts. When we resolve our childhood issues, we then have a foundation to find marriage counseling to be rewarding. Without resolving pre-existing conflicts, the healthy adult-to-adult relationship will end up  emulating a child-parent relationship. This is totally foreign to the software the Creator instilled in us to help us experience the joy of a marital relationship."

"[...] the deeper our wounds are, the higher our expectations will be towards our partners."

"When we're wounded as children, we drag our unresolved conflicts and reactive behaviors from childhood into adolescence. We drag our teenage frustrations into single adulthood. We eventually enter a commitment or marriage with a sack full of attitudes, emotions, and reactive behaviors attached to our backs. We can't tear it off. The bigger the crisis we face in our relationship, the more we will regress to childishness in our reactions."

"We move from relationship to relationship with the impossible idea that someone else will make things better for us. In the addictive relationship, we're drawn into the relationship from need, not from choice."

"Like small children, we who are wounded communicate unnamed needs with unacceptable behavior: tantrums, explosive anger, and fits. When others react negatively to our unacceptable behavior, we blame them. We can't figure out what's wrong with us, but at the same time, we can't handle the rejection that may come if we try to find out the truth."

"Our wounds form a shame-based mentality, which destroys relationships, self-knowledge, and hope - and eventually destroys us."

"The shame base says, 'I have no options, and I'm locked into a course of action.' Guilt says, ' I can be accountable for my behavior, and I can change.' Shame says,' I am a mistake; I'm no good.' Guilt says, 'I made a mistake, yet I have value as a creation of God.' "

"God intends for us to live in a guilt-based environment. We recognize the behavior is wrong, but we can choose to change. God knows where we're headed, and He can lead us to full hope and joy if we obey.

"If we're shame-based, however, we often gravitate towards people bearing the same type of pain, others who struggle with their sense of value and control. Other wounded people are more likely to accept us, because they also see themselves as without value."

"To escape this cycle,we must realize that we do have value and that we can move ahead. We're worthy of being loved and of being a part of a healthy relationship with someone who is healthy."

The Wounded at Work

"For the wounded person, the mask never really goes away. We protect ourselves by showing different personalities when we're with different people. We create our pseudopersonality to meet the expectations of the most important people in our lives - we're certain they'll reject us if they see our defectiveness."

Guidelines for the Healing Process
"Identify primary behaviors that are inappropriate and undermine dignity."

" It's an option to find the sources of pain, but not necessary to force memories out in order to confront past issues."

"Express pain with a trustworthy person in a safe environment. "

"When we begin to uncover the truth about ourselves, we can start asking real questions about what we need in our lives."

"Learn to take responsibility for your reactive behavior." [...] Without responsibility, we could not have true freedom."

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